![]() Whether it’s romantic, familial, coworker or friendship, somebody who behaves like this will drain the life out of you and drag you down, all while probably blaming you for it too. They have selective hearing and memory they try to influence and control you by force they seek to get their own needs, desires etc met by force, and the relationship is essentially abusive and destructive. There are situations and people for whom removing yourself is the best option because they’ve made it absolutely clear that they’re not going to respect your boundaries. ![]() (And before anybody asks, disappearing is entirely different to No Contact!) Incidentally, this is exactly why some people disappear. We can just shut it off… or at least try to. Sometimes cutting people off is seen as the ‘easy’ option because we don’t have to deal with anything. I was terrified of hearing their opinions and dealing with their responses about my boundaries and what appeared to be the easy thing to do was to either go down a well worn path of not having boundaries and then being miserable, or cut them off. The funny thing about not having boundaries is that when you think about the prospect of having them, you imagine a hell of lot more conversations and conflict about boundaries than is the reality. I feared hearing their opinions about my boundaries because I wondered, What if they don’t agree with or like them? What if they cannot do what I expect? What if they criticise and judge me? What if I have boundaries and everyone abandons me? No thanks!īack then, I was afraid of allowing people to be close enough to my truth that it would hurt if they didn’t react in the way that I wanted or predicted. If I were to go by my experiences with my family (and similar people), I would be terrified of having boundaries and dealing with C-situations, so I’d just keep it zipped, do whatever I think is pleasing, and fester in misery. I hardly know most of my mother’s family and on my father’s side, they’re very Soprano-ish (clan-like not putting bodies in the back of cars), so if you annoy one, you annoy them all, hence why it’s mostly been tumbleweeds since I got married. This one isn’t talking to that one and I’m sure half the time they can’t even remember why. Both sides of my family are not into discussing or apologising. Ten years ago, when I embarked on having boundaries, I was terrified of the vulnerability that came with not only getting honest with me about my own needs, feelings, expectations, desires, opinions and beliefs and how I was going to go about honouring these, but that also came with having to express them with others. We use associations with past experiences to inform us and then end up wondering why we’re simmering in resentment or feeling isolated even if technically, there are people around us. Our comfort zone can become not honouring our boundaries and not learning how to navigate conflict and criticism because at least we don’t allow anybody to get close enough to us that we might not be able to deal with what we regard as the bigger pain of disappointment. ![]() Some people roll with the You’re either with me or against me attitude, so they have a dangerous expectation that if we are their family member / friend / partner etc, we must always agree with them (even if we don’t) and anything they perceive as criticism can be met with a great deal of hostility and/or radio silence, so we can be chopped from their lives temporarily or permanently and not always know why, or be baffled as to how it escalated to that level or why there was little or no conversation.Įven without this attitude, conflict and criticism (C-situations), whether it’s the actuality of it or just the potential for it, does bring up vulnerability and if we are not comfortable with expressing our truth as we know it at that time, or stepping up for ourselves, hearing their side or dealing with any potential fallout, we may feel inclined to ‘go dark’ so that we remain safe. Tags: boundaries - personal electric fence, boundaries with family, compassion, Conflict and Criticism, estrangement, rejection, Rejection sensitivity, shame, The No Contact Rule, vulnerability, why did they disappear? ![]()
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